I have always tried to live my life with no regrets. Everyone (I’m not going be a hypocrite, because I have my own) goes threw their rough times. Later, whether it’s a few days, a night, or even years, I tend to look back at the rough times and laugh. But I think it's the opposite with the good times. I tend look back on the good times and cry or reminisce. Maybe that’s my problem lately? I'm looking back too much and missing the present, or is it I'm looking forward and missing the present? "Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it." There are times where I think its impossible or impractical for me to be completely happy. I can be contempt and ok with my surroundings but not absolutely happy. That is my opinion, mainly because I can't remember when I was completely without a doubt happy. Maybe it's my life lately. I've been trying to step back, take a break, drink less, quit smoking, etc... Whenever something was going good for me, something happens that even my closest friends who I vent too are amazed. I have began to keep more and more secrets, I have began to become homesick, even though I never want to move back home until I have my life situated and am done with school.
We all have our boxes of things for certain guys/girls or friends that are just memories, things that we can lock away to look back on when the time is right. They're like pictures, just in a bigger and different form, and you can’t get smudges on them so they're actually sometimes the optimum of pictures. Every one of us has our nights where we get those out and look at everything in the boxes, every note, every picture, every little gadget; I've got a water bottle that I kept in one of mine. Memories are what we strive for. We wake up every day remembering what happened the night before (sometimes trying to remember how you got where you were) I have memories that I want to disappear just because it hurts so bad.
My goal is, and has been since my Marching Band days in high school, to not have any "what-ifs." What if I did it this way? What if I handled that differently? What if I took that class or didn't say that to her/him? I realized that lately I've had so many what ifs, that I'm hung on them all and I don't know what to do. I can't do that to myself. It’s tearing me apart and it's a stress I do not need.
I'm an "odd duck" as some people like saying and what most people don't realize, is I rather see them happy then them not talk to me at all. I do so many things for all my friends that some of them are beginning to call me Mom. It was bearable for awhile, but then I realized I wasn't taking care of myself any longer. I don't hate anyone as of right now, so if you talk to me, I would gladly talk back. But I don't want people in my life that I'm not happy around. I have begun shifting through those people and sorting out the good from the bad.
I love every one of my friends. That right there is a huge problem. I love every one of them and I have this flaw of always wanting to make them happy, that it makes it seem that they can walk all over me... that’s not a good thing is it? I'm hurting every time I upset one of my friends lately, but they don't realize I am doing what I want to do. I've said this before. I'm not changing people. I know that I hurt your feelings when I joke around but get over it. Its a joke. Yes I get upset when you joke around. But do I stay mad at you? I think it’s actually impossible for me to hold a grudge against anyone. But for you people to get upset then
Instead of you guys worrying what’s going on tonight, could you guys think, what's going on in our lives? Why can't we just hang out, like old times where we didn’t drink and didn’t smoke? You want to be "cool," go ahead, you want to jump on the "bandwagon" the air conditioning is cold right? Well if so many people are doing that, then how come it isn't stuffy in there yet? Do you not realize that the bandwagon is full? The air is pumping which means the windows are fogging and that means the so called "DRIVER" can't see where he/she is going. That means that the band wagon isn't moving. I'm not saying it again and I'm not saying I wasn't on that bandwagon for a bit, but with recent changes in my life, doesn't look like I'm going to be coming along for the ride for much longer. But I'm not upset over that fact. I’m finally moving forward.
Change is never good, or is it? Change means you grow. Change means to become different or to undergo alteration, but what most people don't know is that change has synonyms such as 'adapt,' 'adjust,' transform,' and 'shape.' CHANGE is part of life. Change does turn out good in the end... at least that is what I'm hoping for. Everyone adapts. Everyone becomes scared at one point in his or her life, whether they like to admit it or not. EVERYONE has feelings, some though, don't show them like others do. I am the girl who most people turn to for advice, but lately since so many people need advice, I forgot about what I need, what I want, what I love. I forgot that even though my friends are big part of my life, I am always before them. Sometimes we have to take turns...
..."these days define our good days, it’s the people who make life what it is"
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