Division

August 5th. 2008 will be a fun day... :(

I slept 13 Hours last night. Basically I got home from work, ate, fell asleep, and woke up this morning to go to work. I would like to give a thanks to all the people who ate all my food and drank all my beer (while I was asleep). Just reminds me that no one can come over when I'm tired for now on.

Now I'm working and I'm smelling the famous Tijuana Flats tex-mex next door, hating life because I'm not supposed to eat that kind of food.

Mel called into work today. Who am I going to talk to online now?

More Complications Really?

"Katie, I'm really happy for you. You have amazing friends that are so nice." Mom.

How come I feel so incomplete? Lately, I have been wanting to give up. I have been thinking about starting over, moving someplace new. I mean I've done it 4 times since I've moved to Orlando. The reason I moved to Orlando was to get away from Brevard. But, is running ok? I moved to Orlando to escape the drama and talk. I moved to Orlando with my fiance (ex now obviously) so we wouldn't be judged anymore.

1. "You're both too young."
   
2. "You need to think about things before you commit."
   
3. "You're too good for him and he's bringing you down."

All these things were said to me, yet I didn't listen till it was too late. The whole entire time I was cheating on my fiance. No one knew. No I will never admit to anyone who that person was because it was a complete secret. No one even knows who that person is. I don't feel good about it, but I had a fucked up relationship/life and I am a completely different person now.

I can't talk about that without getting upset. I used to be able to handle it, but now my ex is back and I just sense that he's here. That friendship that I made with the other person is still someone I talk to almost everyday... until recently. After the months of my life changing experiences. After having multiple different relationships that never meant anything. I broke my heart from what mattered and took that broken heart and used it for all the useless relationships that followed. Most I have hurt, and I can't do that any longer. I can't make the right kind of friendships this way. I wish I could go back, but I have realized it's too late.

I should be the bigger person and let people move on when I know that person I have turned into will only hurt them in the end.

Rebecca said something yesterday that made sense, "sometimes i find it hard to give advice, because giving advice requires optimism and i lack that most of the time."

Someone called me selfish today. Really? After I have done nothing for myself recently. You don't see me drunk downtown? You don't see me spending money on alcohol at the bar, but instead on gas and food so i can feed everyone in my neighborhood/friends who decide to drop by. Or on stuff that will make my stomach feel better so that I can handle the pains.

People frustrate me. How do you deal with the drunk ones everyday? Lets quit our jobs and live in a tree.

I can't believe I successfully finished this blog feeling this way.

Eye is watering

Moved in.
Thanks to friends.

Now I sit at my new place, with a irritated eye that hurts so bad.

FML.

Death is no big deal because
Life is just blah blah blah.
You hope for blah.
And sometimes you find it.
But, mostly, it's blah and waiting for blah.
And hoping you were right about the blahs you made.
And then, just when you think
you've got the whole blah damn thing figured out
and you're surrounded by the
ones you blah, death shows up.

And blah blah blah.

My Thoughts Exactly

Miracles?

So realizing that my life is completely different, I've been a lot more quiet lately. Trying to keep the people around me in my life that make me happy is a huge necessity in this process of hell. Tiffany told me that I should go see her friend Dana who specials in holistic medicine. She's worrying enough for the both of us, so should I even be worried? I don't know what to do when it comes to my friends worrying about me for once, usually it's me playing Mom, or me worrying about my friends. I've always been the older sister, so I guess it's just a trait that I have learned in the past 22 years. 

Last night and tonight I tried something different and after not being able to fall asleep until 7 this morning, I didn't think it was such a good idea. Tuna and Green beans with Mel will always be good times. After tonight, I think it was okay. It makes me really anti-social though. I need to start coming out of my shell again or I can just move into my apartment Friday, set up my bookshelves, have my Mom bring all my books from Merritt Island, and be a hobbit in my new room that could basically be a studio, because it has its own balcony and own bathroom. I don't know what to do. Resting and reading is amazing, but none of my friends will come chill, because I'll just bore them with my "latest book I read conversation" instead of "the latest drunk story." (that is usually about me taking care of the drunk person, but still 'cool')

Thank god for Netflix and showtime on demand. I guess starting on Saturday, movies, books, work, Ninja, (I'm adopting Mel's cat) and soon school will be my life. Unless a miracle happens. 

Fuck yeah!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thank you Kevin for that picture.
Josh this was a horrible idea.

Remember.

Sitting at work again with a big gulp full of fruit punch. Chit chatting with Melanie, realizing how much stuff I have to do this week.

1. About a billion loads of laundry.
2. Sort through clothes. Decide which ones to trade, sell, keep, or trash.
   
3. Get rid of clutter.
   
4. Start packing things into boxes.
   
5. Call Progress Energy to set of Electric.
   
6. Call Bright House to set up Cable/Internet.
   
7. Call Auver's Village to make sure everything is in order.
   
8. Renter's insurance payment.
   
9. Ikea.
   
10. Get ready for Friday, Sean's Birthday and Mom's Visit.
    
11. Buy Sean Birthday Gift.
    

Rage

I haven't answered anyone's phone call from Orlando in the past two days. I also don't plan on returning those calls until I get back to Orlando which is either going to be tomorrow during the day or late tonight. Listening to the voicemails from the people who have called I will write the Question and answers down here so I don't forget.

1. Where are you? Merritt Island
   
2. Do you want to come pregame with us? No, I quit drinking.
   
3. Are you going downtown tonight? No, I'm definitely not in the mood.
   
4. [statement] I miss you, I'm soooo drunk. [reply] Cool. I saw you yesterday and you were sooooo drunk then also.
   

It sounds like I am in a horrible mood. Well, you would be also if people can't keep their mouth shut about you. If for the past three days, your stomach hasn't kept anything in it besides a banana smoothie that tasted like chalk but felt so good on your throat that you disregarded the chalk taste and dealt with it. If you're trying to change (really forced) and your so-called friends don't respect that enough to support you. If you have to have fake drinks made at the bar just so you can get everyone off your back for not drinking. I wasn't ever that bad in the first place. Why is it so cool to get drunk?

Merritt Island people: I will be seeing you tonight after the show. I will deal with the sickness, and make myself come and chill tonight. I apologize for last night, I'm surprised I could make it to the bathroom on my own. Juan, we will rage after you get off work.

The Stars

Wednesday night recap. Went to Backbooth, Voyage, and Suite B. Nothing new, actually went home early for once. I didn't feel well all night. This new medicine makes me sick to my stomach. I haven't been able to keep anything down and it just adds to the list of things that makes me realize how hard it's going to be to fight again. I need to convince myself that everything is going to be alright, that it's just another bump in the road.

Today was Les Miserables. I miss the auditorium. I miss the crew, at least what is left of them. I was sitting in the office looking at the walls of pictures and seeing how many years of my life and how much sweat and tears I have put into that building. 1999 was my first year working there. I can't believe it's 2008, and my youngest brother is now working and holding up the Egger legacy. It is always fun running sound, and I really forgot how astonishing of a script Les Mis actually has. For a high school performance that I expected to be very mediocre, it was a huge surprise that it was fantastic. Where did those boys come from?

Sitting on my boat looking at the stars makes me miss Merritt Island, just because of the fact that on clear nights you can see every star and planet in the sky. It's a breathtaking view. I always wonder when I'm here, why I don't come back as often. I think I might stay for a longer period of time then I thought.

I have to run the bathroom again for the third time in writing this short entry, so I'm going to leave with saying this:

Why don't I have the strength to do this again?

Ice Cream

Last night was a night that I needed so bad, that it was probably a necessity. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun without going out with my friends who only like to drink and smoke. But I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. Mel is always fun and since I'm getting to know Liza better, it makes sense that it was such a blast, even if it took us 4 hours to watch The Bucket List. haha.

I don't think I'm ready to start fighting this again. I'm finding out who my real friends are and who my acquaintances are which is something that I should have found out months ago. I think the next couple of months are going to be a huge eye opener and a hassle. I'm moving next week for the 4th time since I've moved to Orlando. I hate moving, but it lets me get rid of the assortment of clutter that I have consumed in the past year. If you cant tell I'm trying to be optimistic about everything.

Now I work until 8, and I'm meeting lovely Sarah for dinner. I have been craving Ice Cream all day.

Welcome to the world.

I have always tried to live my life with no regrets. Everyone (I’m not going be a hypocrite, because I have my own) goes threw their rough times. Later, whether it’s a few days, a night, or even years, I tend to look back at the rough times and laugh. But I think it's the opposite with the good times. I tend look back on the good times and cry or reminisce. Maybe that’s my problem lately? I'm looking back too much and missing the present, or is it I'm looking forward and missing the present? "Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it." There are times where I think its impossible or impractical for me to be completely happy. I can be contempt and ok with my surroundings but not absolutely happy. That is my opinion, mainly because I can't remember when I was completely without a doubt happy. Maybe it's my life lately. I've been trying to step back, take a break, drink less, quit smoking, etc... Whenever something was going good for me, something happens that even my closest friends who I vent too are amazed. I have began to keep more and more secrets, I have began to become homesick, even though I never want to move back home until I have my life situated and am done with school.

We all have our boxes of things for certain guys/girls or friends that are just memories, things that we can lock away to look back on when the time is right. They're like pictures, just in a bigger and different form, and you can’t get smudges on them so they're actually sometimes the optimum of pictures. Every one of us has our nights where we get those out and look at everything in the boxes, every note, every picture, every little gadget; I've got a water bottle that I kept in one of mine. Memories are what we strive for. We wake up every day remembering what happened the night before (sometimes trying to remember how you got where you were) I have memories that I want to disappear just because it hurts so bad.

My goal is, and has been since my Marching Band days in high school, to not have any "what-ifs." What if I did it this way? What if I handled that differently? What if I took that class or didn't say that to her/him? I realized that lately I've had so many what ifs, that I'm hung on them all and I don't know what to do. I can't do that to myself. It’s tearing me apart and it's a stress I do not need.

I'm an "odd duck" as some people like saying and what most people don't realize, is I rather see them happy then them not talk to me at all. I do so many things for all my friends that some of them are beginning to call me Mom. It was bearable for awhile, but then I realized I wasn't taking care of myself any longer. I don't hate anyone as of right now, so if you talk to me, I would gladly talk back. But I don't want people in my life that I'm not happy around. I have begun shifting through those people and sorting out the good from the bad.

I love every one of my friends. That right there is a huge problem. I love every one of them and I have this flaw of always wanting to make them happy, that it makes it seem that they can walk all over me... that’s not a good thing is it? I'm hurting every time I upset one of my friends lately, but they don't realize I am doing what I want to do. I've said this before. I'm not changing people. I know that I hurt your feelings when I joke around but get over it. Its a joke. Yes I get upset when you joke around. But do I stay mad at you? I think it’s actually impossible for me to hold a grudge against anyone. But for you people to get upset then talk about me behind my back, is very childish. We're not in high school anymore, grow up. There are times when people know when to grow up and act mature and there are times when we're just out there to have a fucking good time. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE or you're going to get smothered and demolished and eaten up. Promise.

Instead of you guys worrying what’s going on tonight, could you guys think, what's going on in our lives? Why can't we just hang out, like old times where we didn’t drink and didn’t smoke? You want to be "cool," go ahead, you want to jump on the "bandwagon" the air conditioning is cold right? Well if so many people are doing that, then how come it isn't stuffy in there yet? Do you not realize that the bandwagon is full? The air is pumping which means the windows are fogging and that means the so called "DRIVER" can't see where he/she is going. That means that the band wagon isn't moving. I'm not saying it again and I'm not saying I wasn't on that bandwagon for a bit, but with recent changes in my life, doesn't look like I'm going to be coming along for the ride for much longer. But I'm not upset over that fact. I’m finally moving forward.


Change is never good, or is it? Change means you grow. Change means to become different or to undergo alteration, but what most people don't know is that change has synonyms such as 'adapt,' 'adjust,' transform,' and 'shape.' CHANGE is part of life. Change does turn out good in the end... at least that is what I'm hoping for. Everyone adapts. Everyone becomes scared at one point in his or her life, whether they like to admit it or not. EVERYONE has feelings, some though, don't show them like others do. I am the girl who most people turn to for advice, but lately since so many people need advice, I forgot about what I need, what I want, what I love. I forgot that even though my friends are big part of my life, I am always before them. Sometimes we have to take turns...

..."these days define our good days, it’s the people who make life what it is"

Spain deserved it.

All good things must come to an end at some point. Well, June 29th marked the end of the month long European Championship. I must say that I was very happy for the Spanish - they deserved it and were the best team in the entire bunch.

My old friend Sammi and I were looking back at the tourney and we made the following observations and wanted to ask these questions:

1.) While I can say I am a big fan of Germany, I have to honestly say they didn't deserve to be in the final match. During the entire tournament their play was sloppy and at time lacked conviction. German football is ALWAYS strong and definitive, almost military-like in precision. It wasn't anything near that. I also think I have found dislike in both Michael Ballack and Jens Lehmann. Ballack played like an ass in the final and I was surprised he wasn't carded off the field. As far as Lehmann goes...he is an old man who has waited in the shadows of Kahn for his chance to play...and I bet if Oliver Kahn was playing the GK yesterday (or for the entire Euro) things would have been a bit different. The only person who really stood out for Germany was Bastian Schweinsteiger, he's a real go-getter. Cheers to him.

2.) What the hell happened to France? 2 years ago they were the World Cup runner up, and now they couldn't advance past group stage, let alone win a single game? That is not French football. I don't know what kind of football that is, but it is not what I want to see from the FFF. It didn't help France to have Henry, the ONLY goal scorer for the entire French side, on the bench for a game or two and then lose Ribery to injury. Also, does anyone know why wasn't Cisse called up to play (I guess he still isn't fit from the broke leg)? Why didn't Domenech pull Coupet either? (he was truly terrible).

3.) Holland was just unlucky. A Dutch friend of mine were taking before the Quarter-Final against Russia, and he made the comment "The Russians scare me...". Little did he know he was right. Really, the Netherlands was the only team other than Spain that truly dominated during the campaign. Just unlucky, or perhaps was caught looking ahead. Either way, their exit was a shock. Cheers for Sneijder, v. Nistelrooy, and Robben for a great show. Oh, and as for my Dutch friend, he called me after the match and said "Damn Russians, I told you, damnit, sons of bitches" and promptly hung up to probably slam another Grolsch. Poor guy.

4.) Portugal showed their age. At times they were excellent, and then at times they weren't too hot. I say give this team about 2 or 3 more years and some more games together...you are looking at an already dangerous squad becoming even more dangerous.

5.) Turkey...well, where do you start? Talk about the underdogs. Commentators coined them the "cardiac kids" because of the last minute comebacks the Turkish were pulling. The entire match against Croatia in the quarters was boring. It was 118 minutes of pure rubbish football followed by 2 minutes of epic football. You had to feel for the Croatian team because they had the game in hand...they scored in the 119 minute...only 1 minute left of ET...and the WHAM top of the net for Turkey...goes to PK's. Either way it must be said that Croatia lost that game, you NEVER miss a penalty kick. Turkey should be proud of where they got to in the game...but part of me thinks it may have been a fluke.

6.) Ahh Spain...how does it feel? You deserve it. Too bad David Villa didn't get to play that last game, because I think the score would have been at least 2-0. I think he may be one of my new favorite players, David Villa. He was just fun to watch and has excellent touch and control. Additionally, Fernando Torres...is a hero for his hustle and that game winner yesterday. He is bright up-and-coming star. However, how about Iker Casillas - classy GK.

Well, there you have it. It is another 4 years until the next champ is crowned in Europe.
I'm such a nerd.

Teach the next generation.

Ten things you are going to do in the next five years:

1. Graduate
2. Move to somewhere that puts me around people who make me happy.
3. Cheer up
4. Travel
5. Get over my fear of commitment.
6. Get a puppy.
7. Get a new car.
8. Make money to take care of myself and pay off medical debt.
9. Be who I want to be, not who people want me to be.
10. Become healthy and in shape.

Nine ways you're going to change the world:

1. Teach our next generation.
2. Be the best big sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, godmother, and maybe some day aunt, mother, and grandmother that I can be.
3. Spread decency – take the high road when dealing with others and their oddities. Live and let live.
4. Hug someone – you really can’t beat it for that all over warm feeling.
5. Smile – you can change someone’s day with your smile. Share it.
6. Share my dreams – inspire, motivate and educate.
7. Donate my knowledge.
8. Talk about what I believe in.
9. Vote.

Eight rules you {should} live by:

1. Reach for the stars, because if you miss at least you'll hit the moon.
2. Depend on yourself.
3. Live in the moment – don’t allow the weights of yesterday push you down and don’t encourage the “what ifs” of tomorrow steal the true gem of time, NOW.
4. Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus
5. Give guidance – others need and want your help.
6. Listen to your mother – she’s been through just about everything you’ll ever face and more.
7. Stretch your imagination – everything begins with a thought. Imagine great ones.
8. Laugh

Seven random things:

1. I need to start loving myself before I love someone else.
2. I really don't like staying in at night.
3. I don't think I have a best friend.
4. I dress men all day for money.
5. I never think before I spend money.
6. I think quicksand (the replacements) is probably my biggest fear.
7. I never want to depend on someone again.

Six habits you've kept:

1. Biting my nails :[
2. Classes.
3. Always being on time, traffic or no traffic.
4. Always losing in fights.
5. Loving my family no matter what.
6. Keeping things as simple as possible.

Five things you wish you didn't do:

1. Overreact
2. Waste away money.
3. Wish for something more.
4. Procrastinate
5. Make decisions based on other people.

Four things that hurt when you think about them:

1. Doctor's Appointments
2. Fallen Friendships
3. Thinking that I'm never going to graduate.
4. Deciding what is right for me.

Three things you love:

1. My Mom
2. My relationship with my younger brothers.
3. My dog.

Two things you hate:

1. Headaches
2. Adults

One thing that keeps you going:

1. Oxygen